Originally posted by 787180:
Hell Has No Fury but A Woman's Scorn...I Married my
motherin-law too...
"I did not know that when I married my wife, I would also be
getting a second wife, my mother-in-law, too."
I may sound like a joke, but the reality is no joke. This sad tale
is the true story of one mans plight at the hands of a scheming
mother-daughter team that cause him half a decade of
hardship.
As we know, the Womens Charter has often been criticized for being
biased against men, and over the years many people have written in
to newspapers and other media to express their dissatisfaction. At
the moment, Parliament is once again reviewing the charter to try
to make it fairer towards men, while still protecting the rights of
women.
This is the story of a man who has suffered much due to the
"protection" afforded by the Womens Charter, and how he overcame
many seemingly insurmountable obstacles on the way. While this is a
true story, the names and some of the crucial identifying details
have been changed, so as to protect those involved, especially the
children. Our intention is to enlighten and inform, and not to
humiliate anyone.
***
Adrian Lim and Ivy Chien decided to get married after only three
months together, registering their marriage in July 2000. They had
been introduced by a marriage agency in December 1999.
At first, all was well. He thought that this gentle piano teacher
would make a good wife and doted on her. She liked to go to
expensive concerts, and he would pay for the good seats.
But the troubles started after their customary wedding ceremony
(which was conducted at a swanky Orchard Road Hotel at her
insistence) in January 2001, when they moved into their flat in the
northern part of Singapore. Ivy and her mother, Madam Tan, started
showing their true colours. Mdm Tan ordered Adrian to buy a
queen-size bed, saying that her daughter was very small built, and
would be pushed off a smaller bed during sex!
It went far beyond choosing the marital bed, for this meddling
mother-in-law would control their entire sex life: determining when
and HOW they were to have sex. This made Adrian so frustrated, he
once said to her, "Do you want to join in on the fun?"
And if that wasnt enough, even though it was a relatively new
resale flat, Mdm Tan insisted that he replace the toilet bowl,
which was in excellent condition, because of "germs."
Yes indeed, they were very superstitious. This was clearly seen as
Ivy first moved in, when she deliberately stepped on his shoes to
have mastery over her husband. And master him she did.
He became her slave, doing all the housework and obeying of her
every whim. She said it was the Hainanese custom for husbands to
take care of the wife. He would buy her breakfast every morning,
and in return, all he got in return was accusations from his
mother-in-law that he was ill-treating her daughter, feeding her
two-dollar breakfasts like roti prata when she deserved
eight-dollar meals: Adrian could not imagine what kind of breakfast
would be so ridiculously expensive.
Within three months, Ivy started treating the flat like a hotel.
She would leave the house at 10am and not come back until late at
night. Adrian eventually discovered that she would go over to her
mothers condominium and spent all day there, virtually living
there.
Worse, she would lock the master bedroom and not allow him in when
she was gone, saying he might bring other women home and have sex
with them. In fact, she would not even allow him to speak to his
female collegues or even sales assistants in shops they patronized!
Throughout the day, all he had was the change of clothes that she
would throw on the floor outside the bedroom door, to last him
until she came back.
Eventually, Ivy became pregnant, which only served to worsen the
situation, rather than improve it.
When she was admitted to the hospital maternity ward, Ivy checked
herself out of the C-class ward and into an A1-class ward,
insisting that her husband pay for it. At that time, her husband,
who is self-employed, was in great financial difficult and could
only scrape enough money to afford a B-class ward at best, and that
is after calling his sister and parents to loan money.
As a result, Ivy and Mdm Tan alienated the father of the newborn
girl. They prevented him from holding or even seeing his daughter
after she was born, calling him a cheapskate for not paying for the
A-class ward.
Eventually, Adrian had enough of this treatment, and filed for
divorce in 2002. But far from alleviating the situation, it only
made it worse. This led to a few years of long drawn out battles,
and at least fifteen court appearances. Adrian had no idea what he
got himself into that day he decided to marry the Chien
family!
THE CHIEN FAMILY ALBUM
Adrian Lim was not the first victim of Mdm Tan. In fact, her
husband was also victimized.
Adrian had been told that he had abandoned their family and run off
with another woman to Hainan. But the truth was that he was still
in Singapore
She demanded all the same things that her daughter was now
expecting, a life of luxury and a husband at her beck and call. He
eventually died in a nursing home for the mentally unstable, having
been driven made by his wife.
But all is not lost, for not all her children were corrupted.
During the course of the divorce, no family members supported Ivy
and Mdm Tan. In contrast, Adrians family rallied around him,
attending court hearings to support him. Mdm Tan even had to force
another daughter to attend court. Even then, she did not sit inside
the courtroom, but waited outside, not wanted to hear all the
nonsense her family was spouting in front of the judge. She is
probably the only one in the family living a stable life in a
happily married family, mostly because she had cut ties with her
mother.
Mdm Tan was a Chinese teacher, and later head of department, in a
neighborhood secondary school, and drove her colleagues and
principal crazy.
Similarly, Ivy could not hold down a job. She has worked at the
Yamaha, Kawai and Cristifori music schools, but always left after
bad behaviour angered her boss. For example, she would take extra
long lunch breaks, and cancel class at last minute with no
explanation. In return, she would complain that the principal of
the school would always assign her first-timers, who were harder to
teach. Whether or not that was deliberate on the part of the
principal, to get back at her, we do not know.
This atrocious behaviour was by no means unique, as throughout the
course of the legal proceedings, his wife went through five
lawyers, as they all progressively quit on her because of her
abusive behaviour.
HOME SWEET HOME
Adrian regrets ever being bonded by this money-grubbing pair. He
had seen the signs early. He remembers that when they first moved
into the HDB flat, his mother-in-law rubbed her palms and had a
look of glee in her eyes. She was probably already imagining
getting her hands on the $360,000 flat.
True enough, after his wife moved back to the mothers condo, the
flat became a major battleground for them. Even though Adrian was
the sole contributor towards the buying of the flat, she still
demanded her share after having only lived there for less than
three months.
Once, when he was not in, she came with a lorry to cart away
movable items from the flat, even the washing machine. And what she
could not move she sabotaged, like taking the heads of the kitchen
stoves. She was even so petty as to take all the bed linens in the
house, even the ones that were currently on the bed!
She later tried to force him to sell the flat at a loss so that
they could split the price. She did this by claiming that since
they were no longer married, it was illegal for him to own and
occupy the flat. She was not only trying to rob him, but throw him
out on the street as well.
Fortunately, Adrian had a few legitimate tricks up his sleeve. He
appealed to then-Deputy Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong about his
situation. He knew Mr Lee was very concerned over the lives of his
citizens and takes all appeals seriously. As a result, upon his
appointment as Prime Minister, Mr Lee announced that HDB flats
could now be owned by single adults aged 35 and above. Adrian was
pleased, as he could now legally keep his flat, which he paid for
with his own hard earned money.
But the battle raged on both inside and outside the
courtroom.
In fact, Ivy even figured out a way to use the law against him. She
made anonymous calls to the Ministry of Environment alleging that
he was breeding mosquitoes. They sent investigators down to his
flat, and found the claims to be untrue. She also reported him to
the Housing Development Board for operating an illegal tuition
agency in his flat and making a nuisance. The HDB interviewed the
neighbours, who all denied that Adrian was noisy and creating a
disturbance. They also found that Adrians tutoring was small-scale
and did not constitute a business.
She then lodged several police reports against him, as a result the
police would raid the flat. And each time, she would only take
something small like a pack of batteries.
In fact, she had planned this long before things turned sour. Soon
after they were married, she had suggested that they purchase some
"blue films" (pornographic shows) to watch together. Adrian knew it
was illegal and did not want to, but she bought them anyway. So
part of the point of the raids was in the hope of the police
catching him with the illegal VCDs. But he had disposed of them by
then.
It seemed like that system was against him. With each raid, she
would go to a different Neighborhood Police Post or Centre (in
different police Land Divisions), even ones outside the
neighbourhood, to make a report, as the police would soon get wise
to her tricks.
In frustration, Adrian appealed to the DPM and Home Affairs
Minister Mr Wong Kan Seng, which successfully put a stop to that
nonsense. Yet, all they were able to do to his wife was issue her
stern warnings against filing false police reports.
But she was not done manipulating the system yet.
THE LOVE OF A FATHER
Throughout most of the process, Adrian was denied the right to see
his own daughter. In fact, Ivy and Mdm Tan had gone so far as to
take out a Personal Protection Order against him, under false
charges, in order to prevent him from seeing his daughter.
He was disgusted by her behaviour. It did not show love towards the
father or to the child. On the one hand, when she was 7-months
pregnant Adrian had to dissuade her from aborting her baby because
of her personal discomfort. On the other, she was using his child
against him, as leverage to get him to pay for her 50-day stay in
an A1-class ward for her delivery. And even after the child was
born, she did not have any regard for the child at all, not even
looking at her.
And to top it off, he finally found out why his wife was spending
all her time at her mothers condo: she has thalassemia major, a
life-threatening disease, which required daily blood pumping. The
pump was probably located at her mothers place. But this was also
a disease that she had a responsibility to declare for the sake of
the child, and she never told him throughout their marriage; they
had claimed that the surgical scars on her body was from
liposuction. It is amazing that she survived this long, as most
thalassemia major sufferers do not live past the age of 30. (They
were married when she was 32, and he was 38.)
Ivy went to great lengths to prevent Adrian from seeing his
daughter. She would repeatedly miss the visitation sessions, and
give all sorts of excuses, including frivolous medical certificates
saying that the child could not play with water (as if a family
service centre has a pool). The issuing doctor was unaware that she
was using the MCs to miss the court appointed meetings, and only
found out later.
Even when she did show up, she created problems. She would arrive
late and use abusive language against him. She even tried to claim
in court that the taxi ride from Yishun to Sergangoon, where the
centre was, took $24 and over an hour. But the judge was not
fooled.
She even claimed that he hit her at the family service centre, but
the staff there did not witness anything of the sort. She also
claimed that while still in the hospital after the delivery, Adrian
had hit her with the hospital phone. However, Adrian denied this,
saying that if he had, she could have reported it to the nurses and
doctors immediately, and he would have been arrested on the
spot.
Ivy and Mdm Tan even made false reports alleging that Adrian
violated the PPO against them. Mdm Tan testified in court that
Adrian had repeatedly beat and pinched her within five minutes,
with the bruises to show for it. However, the judge threw out the
testimony for inconsistencies, and concluded that the injuries were
self-inflicted. Mdm Tan was made to apologize publicly in court,
however, by then Adrian had already spent 6-hours in lock-up.
Ivy even made a police report that Adrian had drugged her with a
sweet and induced her into sex. Adrian could now even sue her in
civil suit for the perjury but hesistated to do so in view of his
young daughter though he did not get a chance to see her anymore.On
another occasion, she claimed that he hired a bomoh to curse
her.
In the end, as the divorce was settled, Adrian was resigned that he
would never see his daughter, who is now seven years old, for a
long time. He just hopes that when she grows up, and is old enough
to understand what was happening, that maybe he could reestablish a
relationship with her.
MONEY MATTERS
Ultimately, Adrian realized that all they were about was money. Not
that he even had much in the first place. Although he did
accumulate some wealth in his younger years, by the time he got
married, he was in a financial crisis and only making a meagre
income running his own business. In fact, when they were married,
Ivy was making $3300, more than double his income, and she still
made him pay for all the household expenses and give her an
allowance!
During the divorce proceedings, she even told IRAS that he had a
lot of hidden wealth that was undeclared, which of course was
proven false.
She had asked for 70% of the value of the flat that she stayed in
for only 2 months, as well as 70% of his CPF, which was largely
accumulated before marriage. She even requested for $3700 in
alimony! She made claims about her lack of income, which if it were
true would be her own doing, and Adrian countered with a testimony
of the father of two of her students who confirmed that not only
did she work as a music teacher, she was not a very good one. The
judge finally awarded her $50.
AFTERMATH
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, yet Adrian himself no
longer has ill feelings against her, and wishes only to highlight
this for society, and especially other men, to be aware of the
problem.
"Although I have forgiven her, as I have accepted Christ as my
Saviour
I feel it is not right [that] she and even her mother
(i.e. my ex-mother-in-law) had even used the same strategy [against
my now deceased father-in-law]
" Adrian told us via email.
He really feels that he has been victimized by abusive women, and
also a society that protects women at the expense of men. He
believes that they behaved this way they knew that as women they
would not be serverely punished with jail time. That is why he is
grateful that the Womens Charter is being reviewed. In fact, in a
letter published in the forum page of one of our local newspapers,
he advocated instead that a Family Charter be set up, to protect
families as a whole, rather than just one gender against
another.
In the past, he has shared his views with Mr Chan Choo San, at the
time Minister of State for Law, that it was unfair that all the
judges hearing cases in Family Court related to husband-and-wife
disputes were women, and would invariable find in favour of the
wife. Since then, male judges have been introduced to Family Court,
and Adrian is happy that he could play an instrumental role in
protecting the rights of fathers and husbands against their abusive
wives.
"When I went to court on the first day," Adrian told us, "I thought
I was sure to lose. The Womens Charter is a very powerful law. But
instead, the judge saw right through them [Ivy and Mdm Tan] and
ruled in my favour. I was overjoyed. It was on that day that I
turned my life over to God and became a Christian, as I knew He was
responsible for achieving this miracle.
"In fact, it started earlier that morning. It was raining heavily,
and I was trying to get a taxi. I was supposed to appear in court
at 10am, and it was already 9:15. I was desperate and called out to
God. The amazing thing is that the moment I finished my prayer, a
cab stopped right in front of me to discharge a passenger. I
managed to get to court on time."
Since early this year, Adrian is happily remarried to a lady whom
he met at church. He lives with her in the same flat with his
elderly parents. He continues to run his business and is now
financially stable again.
Adrian has survived a terrible ordeal, and he hopes that other men
do not have to suffer his fate.In fact his father-in-law had passed
away in 2005 in a mental nursing home after his wife( ie Adrian's
ex mother-in-law ) used almost similar techniques to torment his
husband and had passed her 'teachings' to her daughter.To avoid
history from repeating ,Adrian has decided to reveal his true life
story and to advise all those who intend to get married to be wary
of abusive wives and troublesome mothers-in-law.
[/b]
Adrian married someone in 3 months?!!! WTF? Not very smart
right?
